Recipe for an End-of-Year School Concert


BandConcertEnd-of-Year School Concert:

Take one packed parking lot. Add a semi-legal parking space and a giant puddle. When shoes are properly muddied, dodge other frantic cars and head to the steaming hot auditorium.

Mix in one part little kid sweat smell, one part high-pitched yelps, and three parts exuberant excitement.

Carefully fold in a clean, pressed, white shirt and dark pants. Then untuck the shirt, wrinkle it, and drizzle some syrup on it.

Walk up and down the aisles until you find a wedge of seat you can balance on. Squeeze in. Fan self liberally with floppy program.

At this point you have the option of the following add-ins: screeching violins and/or microphone feedback, honking clarinets, almost-on-pitch horns, slightly off beat drums, one-measure-behind bells, unintelligible song announcements.

Once you have all this rolling at a slow boil, add in a front-row-hold-up-my-giant-Ipad-to-record-this parent. Have that parent stand up and sit down at unexpected intervals. Make sure their Ipad obscures the vision of almost everyone behind them.

For extra flavor, you can sprinkle in a few younger siblings who pop out of seats and walk back and forth in front of your row. This should happen at least four times. Stage-whispering and crinkly snack wrappers are a nice touch.

If your concert now has a slightly sour taste to it, scan the risers for your child. A smile and wave will result in a much more palatable blend. The blowing of a kiss will bring the sweetness to the next level.

Now add in one extremely talented choral director, a spirited strings teacher, and a rock-star bandleader. Shake them until they are fatigued but still smiling.

Your mix is now ready for the oven. As it bakes, the smells will waft over you and a sense of pride in what has been produced will well inside you. Clap loudly when done.

For a final garnish, add the tears of a sentimental sap who cannot hear children’s voices raised in song without emoting.

Leftovers should be served immediately to any parental unit unable to partake in the original dish.

During clean up, if you accidentally nick the side of the car of that front row parent, do not leave a note. They will be too busy never watching their recording to notice it.



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